Stupid Top Ten Lists

STUPID TOP TEN LISTS

Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Queen

You regularly use the phrase "window treatment."
Your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer.
You know what a sconce is.
You have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah."
You know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music.
You've ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards.
You know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon."
You've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance.
Your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer.
You talk in italics.

Top Ten Rejected Motel Slogans

We're working on that smell thing, too.
Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
As seen on "COPS"
If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
Not just for nooners anymore.
We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
You rented the room, now buy the video.
Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

Top Ten Stupid Things To Annoy People

Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.