Top Ten Fun

TOP TEN FUN

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Get Off My Chest Now That I'm in the Baseball Hall of Fame
(As presented by Paul Moliter and Dennis Eckersley)

10. "Once after I hit a grand slam I kissed the umpire on the mouth"

9. "In case there's any confusion, when I die, please don't freeze me"

8. "On July 17, 1984, I told the manager I pulled a hamstring and I went to see 'Ghostbusters'"

7. "Thank God I was never a Devil Ray"

6. "I joined a gym so I can continue to shower with men"

5. "Forget all that stuff during contract negotiations -- I was seriously, seriously overpaid"

4. "I traded my 1993 World Series ring for two front row tickets to a Jethro Tull concert"

3. "Once a guy made a joke about the mustache so I beat him to death with a Fungo Bat"

2. "During difficult times in my life I rebroadcast or retransmitted games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball"

1. "Earlier today, I married Britney Spears"

Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears' Answering Machine

10. "This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready"

9. "Hey, it's Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?"

8. "It's the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready"

7. "Rush Limbaugh here. I'd love to try whatever you were taking the other night."

6. "So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?"

5. "Hey, it's Paris. You don't need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet."

4. "This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced."

3. "Honey, it's Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle."

2. "It's Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius."

1. "Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week"

Top Ten Things We Learned From The Mars Rover

10. Contrary to earlier findings, Mars only about a mile from Earth

9. NASA's Mars footage looks suspiciously similar to Atari's Asteroids

8. So far, no sign of Mork

7. Thought I saw Paris Hilton having sex with a Martian

6. We could've taken a photo of Death Valley and saved 400-million dollars

5. The Mars invasion force is already on its way and there's not a damn thing we can do about it

4. It's much more Mars-y than we even imagined

3. Whole "red planet" thing just a marketing ploy by Cherry 7-Up

2. Kucinich's popularity rating on Mars is the same as on Earth

1. Osama ain't there, either