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Celebrity Election Quotes

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'" —Craig Kilborn

"A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode." —Craig Kilborn

"As of midnight Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret Service protection, a three-car detail of special agents, and a bullet proof limousine pulled up in front of his house and stayed there all night. See, that's what you get when you're the frontrunner. Dennis Kucinich got a whistle and a can of mace." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would make a good president? You know I look at it this way, if we're going to consistently have liars in the White House, why not get a professional?" —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean ended his campaign for president this week, but so far he has refused to endorse another candidate. As a result Dean received thank you notes from both John Kerry and John Edwards." —Conan O'Brien

"Today was the Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard Dean is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That must be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the race. What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." —Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

"As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn

"Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

"Insiders say Edwards is making adjustments in his presidential aspirations, having lost primaries in two Southern states. Edwards now spends hours a day watching video tape of Dan Quayle and Al Gore, practicing his golf swing and constantly complimenting Senator Kerry on his choice of neckties." —Dennis Miller

"You can tell that the campaign has shifted into high gear because whenever President Bush refers to John Kerry, he calls him 'the senator from the gay wedding state'." —David Letterman

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

"General Wesley Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race. He said he's going to go back to his old job, being a Republican." —Jay Leno

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn

"Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop out." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response, 'What did I do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding, apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political analysts say the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said 'I'll show you how to do it.'" —Jay Leno

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno

"Because of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the news to his supporter." —David Letterman

"This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno

"Wesley Clark is bringing an Army verteran on the campaign trail who saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien

"We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: Today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon Stewart

"Today is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher

"The campaign that's really in trouble apparently is Howard Dean. It was in the paper this week he blew 40 million so far with very little to show for it. Got rid of his campaign manager. Apparently the campaign manager was responsible with his slogan that has failed Dean so far: 'I will kill you.'" —Bill Maher

"Joe Lieberman placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed it was a three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is staying in. I think he's taking up history here. He wants a chance to prove that losing in 2000 was no fluke." —Bill Maher

"I feel great, I'm on the new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what I do I just keep losing and losing and losing." —Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno

"Now it's starting to get nasty because the latest is there's this rumor going around that Senator Kerry has had botox shots. Does anybody care? I think all people really care about is if Howard Dean has gotten all his temper shots." —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry is lucky. He's got millions of dollars to spend to make his face look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he has to use a steam iron to get rid of the wrinkles on his face. " —Jay Leno

"God bless Dennis Kucinich. Even though he's doing terrible, he keeps running. In fact his slogan is 'Don't look back.' Of course he doesn't have to look back, there's nobody behind him." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is fighting back. He said about his campaign shakeup ... you'll see a leaner meaner organization. Meaner? How scarier is he going to be? Is he going to be biting people now?" —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean's campaign manager lost his job. You know how it happened? Right after Howard Dean ran over him with a car." —Craig Kilborn
"General Wesley Clark has spoken out both in favor and against the decision to go to war with Iraq. In fact this weekend in South Carolina, he’ll be debate himself." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!" —Jay Leno

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno

"When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed." —Jon Stewart, on the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary

"Lieberman did well in the exit polls. Every poll said he should exit. ... He came in fifth. The man skipped Iowa and moved to New Hampshire. Even Seabiscuit is going, 'Lieberman give it up.'" —Jay Leno

"The rumor is Lieberman may be suspending his campaign. He said he's going to pool all his remaining resources and just play Lotto. The odds are better." —Jay Leno

"Kucinich got one percent of the vote. And the sad part is there's a three percent margin of error. That means Kucinich could actually owe votes." —Jay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is desperate to change the subject. Today he was up in a tree explaining that sleeping in the same bed with children is charming." —Bill Maher

"Howard Dean and his wife were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I think the interview with pretty well, they only had to use the pepper spray on him twice." —David Letterman

"Candidate Joe Lieberman insists that he is not thinking about the polls, which is ironic because the polls show that nobody is thinking about him." —Jay Leno

"In New Hampshire, Dennis Kucinich went on a ten-stop bus tour and finally the bus driver said 'Look pal it's the end of the line, you gotta get off. You can't ride the bus all day.'" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards is an interesting character; doesn't he look like the guy from the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor if Viagra is good for him?" —Jay Leno

"Political experts say that during last night's Democratic presidential debate, nobody made any big mistakes. In a related story, nobody watched." —Conan O'Brien

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

"The big surprise — John Edwards came in second. He was very eloquent; he said we have two America's — one for the rich and one for the poor. Today President Bush said, 'Why don't you become president of the crappy one.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators." —David Letterman

"God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear." —David Letterman

"I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone." —Craig Kilborn

"Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight." —Craig Kilborn

"Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh my God! Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting mad Dean disease. I'm no pundit but it's always a bad sign when at the end of your speech, your aide is shooting you with a tranquilizer gun." —Jay Leno

"Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay Leno

"Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard — cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman

"Howard Dean has been the front-runner and last night he finishes a distant third. Here's what happened: the people of Iowa realized they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad." —David Letterman

"Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Howard Dean finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as Britney Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn

"Senator Joe Lieberman — he skipped Iowa — he's now devoting all his energy to loosing in New Hampshire." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday in the Iowa caucuses, Dennis Kucinich got only one percent of the vote. Apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall.'" —Conan O'Brien

"You've heard about the big race in Iowa, the Iowa caucuses. It's amazing. Right now, it's too close to tell who's going to get their ass kicked by Bush." —Craig Kilborn

"Take John Kerry — the man who fell off the radar — he may win this thing. Not bad for war hero turned senator. Or John Edwards — polling a surprising second -- quite a coup for the bastard son of a retarded mill worker. Let's not forget the screamer with braces on two legs, Dennis Kucinich. ... If he can overtake the one testicled half man/half monkey Howard Dean, he could then easily edge out Richard Gephardt — the pleasant freckled face congressman" —Daily Show correspondent Rob Corrdry

"The race for the Democratic nomination is getting tight. In Iowa, it is a four-way dead heat — Dean, Kerry, Edwards and Gephardt. It is so close, Fox News doesn't know who to smear." —Bill Maher

"Good news for Democratic hopeful Joe Lieberman. According to the polls, he just pulled ahead of mad cow disease." —Craig Kilborn

"According to the latest polls, the race in Iowa between John Kerry, Howard Dean and Dick Gephardt could end in a three-way tie. Political experts say there hasn't been a three way in politics since Bill Clinton." —Conan O'Brien

"Big news — Carol Moseley Braun dropped out of the Democratic presidential race after a poll revealed she was only 98 points ahead of Joe Lieberman." —Craig Kilborn

"Last night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining to me why she should be the next president of the United States. I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"Al Sharpton said the Democratic Party has to stop treating blacks as their mistresses. Sharpton then explained a mistress is where they take you out to have fun, but they don't take you home. Was that really necessary to explain what a mistress is to Democrats?" —Jay Leno

"Senator Joe Lieberman said his campaign is now picking up momentum, which tends to happen when you're rolling downhill." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Wesley Clark called for a new probe for the war in Iraq — he wants to know why he was initially in favor of it." —Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, Dean's wife does not like the spotlight. If she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she should have married Dennis Kucinich." —Jay Leno

"According to a new survey about the Democratic candidates for president, most of Howard Dean's support comes from urban voters, most of Wesley Clark's support comes from rural voters. The survey also reveals that all of Dennis Kucinich's support comes from his family." —Conan O'Brien

"How bout those freezing temps back east — -2 in New York, -6 in Philly, -8 in Boston — wait, I'm sorry, those are the poll numbers for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn