HUMOROUS CELEBRITY JOKES

Martha's Life In Jail

I'm picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron bars, and useful storage containers she's built that glide easily below her bunk bed in which she'll store sheets and linens from K-Mart's going-out-of-business sale.

The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows through the open bars of her window.

Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.

They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear it's Martha's intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.

I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam Waksal's taste clashes wildly with hers.

Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a

melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.

Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one perfectly round.

As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on her cheeks is written: "It's a good thing."

Q: Why did the Saddam trade one of his thirteen wives for

a new toilet?

A: The hole was smaller and smelled better.

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and a Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: What do you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?

A: Incoming scuds!

Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"This is my oldest. He's a martyr."

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

There's a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"