CLEAN REDNECK JOKES

You know your brother in law is a redneck when you go to his house to visit and he pulls his riding lawnmower out from behind the house and he shows you the added features he has put on it.

• Am/Fm cassette radio
• A bucket seat that he took out of the wrecked truck in the corn field.
• The cup holder he installed.(To hold his beer can)
  The spot light, to look for deer while mowing at night.
• And finally, the alarm system he took off his truck because he is afraid that someone might steal it.

In the back woods of Kentucky, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

10 Things You'll Never Hear At A Nascar Race

1. "None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."
2. "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."
3. "Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"
4. "Oh my, this is a splendid Merlot!"
5. "Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"
6. "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."
7. "What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"
8. "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"
9. "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."
10. "And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by