Classic Top Ten Lists

CLASSIC TOP TEN LISTS

TOP TEN Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

3) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Top Ten Rejected Titles For Saddam Hussein's New Novel

10. The Da Vinci Goat.

9. Of Lice and Men.

8. I'm Okay, You're Uday.

7. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sand.

6. Inspectors Turn up no Evidence that Herbie was Ever Fully Loaded.

5. Mahmoud Potter and the Goblet of Hummus.

4. Kuwaiting for Godot.

3. Along Came a Spider Hole.

2. Sunnis are from Mars, Shiites are from Venus, Americans are Infidel Pig Dogs.

1. The Brotherhood of the Traveling Underpants

"Late Show With David Letterman," 6/27/05

Top 10 Reasons Saddam Hussein Loves Doritos

10. Three-cornered chips remind him of the Sunni Triangle

9. Chemical Ali taught him how to convert the spicy powder into a nerve agent

8. The "crunch" sounds like the breaking of a dissident's bones

7. Pringles are for Kurds

6. They are corn chips of mass deliciousness

5. Goes perfectly with a tall glass of camel milk

4. Endorsed by his favorite late night television host, Al-Asaad Muhammed Leno

3. "Cool ranch" flavor is a preview of the paradise that awaits a martyr

2. When beard is full of orange crumbs, he can do hilarious "Yosemite Saddam"

1. Delicious taste allows him to momentarily forget he'll spend eternity in hell

"Late Show With David Letterman," 6/22/05