CLEAN CELEBRITY JOKES

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans." The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Thatta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

wo actors that haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street.
1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?
2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.
#1: That's great!
#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.
#1: That's wonderful!
#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden? Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!

Kofi Annan's New Year's UN Resolutions

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper beard more.
Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratish.

Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg.

Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word ?Secretary? from title. ?General Annan? catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or ?THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB?.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!